A Song That Makes Me Happy | Time Means Nothing

Remembering nighttime rides across the Williamsburg Bridge on my way home, the wind biting just a little. Looking up at the pretty city night lights over my head and across the river and in my heart.

Remembering when I was a kid and I thought I knew everything, staying out all night drinking shitty Denny’s coffee because we knew the service would be so bad we didn’t need to tip, until we became friendly with one of the waitresses and started to leave her $5 tips on our $3 checks.

Remembering when I started to make friends in New York, little by little edging myself into a real life here. Late nights at bars doing things I should’ve known better than to do, and not even regretting it the next day, except that one time.

Remembering this exchange: “Where’s Jesse?” “He went home early, wasn’t feeling well… and his fingernails were painted the same color as yours.”

Remembering putting this song on a mixtape for a friend, one with whom I’ve given and received dozens of tracks that could have had any number of meanings, but instead only meant what they mean.

Remembering hearing it on the soundtrack to Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, a movie that we love unconditionally that just doesn’t seem to be as popular to a lot of others. Now every time I hear it I’m reminded of all the things that movie makes me feel.

“This door is always open, no one has the guts to shut us out.”

We Are Scientists, “After Hours”. Say that you’ll stay.

We Didn’t Miss It. This Is It.

When I was sixteen and seventeen and eighteen and nineteen and twenty, when I was learning how to be who I’d eventually become, I think it was safe to say that I was an idiot. Like the time I destroyed my wheel hitting a curb on the way to see Primus, then rolled the car back in the jack. Then the show sucked.

That said, all those nights of going to shows with my friends and hanging out at the Gypsy until it closed followed by coffee all night at Denny’s, then slogging through school the next day, they were great. I remember what those nights felt like. I thought I had problems then; I didn’t. And now all that’s left is a stylized, romanticized set of memories that are better than the actual times could possibly have been. I had friends, I had dreams, and I had forever in front of me. Same as I have now, minus the responsibilities.

Sometimes I get wistful for those times. I remember thinking how big everything was, how much the things I was doing mattered, how grown up I was. But I wasn’t. I was a child. I’m safer now, and happier, and smarter, and a whole host of other things. Including more cynical.

But sometimes I am reminded of who I was then. How much fun it was not to know what I thought I knew. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist reminds me of that. Driving around all night chasing down a dream.

It makes me feel that. And that’s a wonderful thing.